My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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