I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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