How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
