Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
