I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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