Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize