I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
