So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
