How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
