You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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