Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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