May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
