If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
