Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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