I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
