i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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