Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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