If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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