people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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