New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
