If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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