I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
