I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
