Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize