if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
