My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize