A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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