last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize