just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
