im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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