Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
