...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
