tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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