if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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