her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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