last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
