I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
