yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
soo... how was my night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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