Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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