my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
