I look better un-naked...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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