Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Randomize
