i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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