Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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