hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
