I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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