I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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