theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
