If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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