you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
