If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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