Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
