I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize