I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need water and some morals
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
