I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize