I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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