I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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