Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
