Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
