your parents love me but you hate me
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
