Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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