His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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