Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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