Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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