Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My vagina is officially offended.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
